That’s it. I hit my limit tonight.
I have become utterly unnecessary.
There is literally not one thing in my life I have not successfully been a failure at.
I just want this to end. Please, God. Give me some respite from this life. I can’t carry it anymore. All this defeat has finally shattered my will. You tease me with all these ailments, making daily life so tiresome but never quite making it bad enough to bring the curtains down.
Stop playing games. Please, I beg of you to put an end to this on good terms. Don’t push me any further. My heart hasn’t been whole for a long time, and I’ve managed to hold on this long, even through all the lows. But I have never felt quite this deflated. I have nothing left to cling to for strength. I am not useful anymore. I am no longer able to provide for others.
I have no strength left. This is the silent plea of a defeated soul asking kindly for refuge. Let me go with a shred of dignity. Don’t make me have to surrender the one shred of self-respect I have left in my hands.
That is my Christmas wish, my birthday wish. Whatever you want to call it. That is my prayer. Cut me some slack this one time? I know I’m pathetic and weak and at the end of the day being like this is my fault alone. I have made peace with that. My failures and poor choices. I just ask for this one favor. Have I done enough good for others to earn this?
I really have tried.